i don’t even know exactly what i came here to write.
it just felt like lightning bolts were going to start shooting out of my fingertips if i didn’t, and next thing i knew i was encouraging jo to take a little snooze, and then my feet sort of carried me to my computer without any resistance.

only the resistance did show up as soon as i sat in this chair.
it’s here right now.
i have the words of brené brown echoing in my ears about courage and shame and sharing our story.

i’m on a really interesting, terrifying, and enlightening journey of digging deep right now. a few months ago i finally decided that another day couldn’t go by without getting myself a therapist to help me navigate and cope through this growing i found myself doing. she has been guiding me, asking me really tough questions, and breaking me wide open ever since. every friday morning at 9:55am, i am walking to her office feeling riddled, and nervous. i’m feeling robbed of my life by way of loss, and not in the sense of losing someone, but rather in the loss that comes from the longing of what i think should be and not finding peace in the what actually is, and what could be if i just had the self discipline to let it.

i’m sweating so bad right now.
the shame is so real, that it is literally leaking out of my armpits as i type this.

there was a time in my life where i used to feel pride in the fact that people thought of me as outspoken, intimidating, and strong. the truth of the matter is, when i look back, i just see myself as mean, ignorant, abrasive, and truly lost. that “strength”  i exuded to some was more like a cloak to hide all the brokenness. for years i would keep myself in a position to be able to adapt and change based on who i was sharing my time with. i did that to hide the shame i’ve always felt because of the circumstances in my life that never allowed me to feel whole. things as simple as moving a lot while growing up. i have shame in the feeling that i don’t belong anywhere because i was never anywhere long enough to feel like i could call it mine. i half jokingly whine to marty every so often that he, jo and our next babe will all be ann arbor townies, but no matter what i do or how long i live here, i will never be a townie with them. which of course seems completely ridiculous and laughable, but actually cuts straight to my core. this is the most basic example of shame i felt safe enough to share on this platform, for now.

…and now i’m sitting here wondering again why the hell i am here writing this. all i can come up with right now is that it must have everything to do with what i frantically scribbled on the dry erase board while listening to this amazing + highly recommended podcast prior to rushing in here to write, which was:

“creativity is the way we share our souls with the world”

i’m no writer by any means, but i have been sharing my life and thoughts by way of weirdly putting myself out there on the internet for a really long time, and so i am here, following this compelling urge to ramble, and share, even if it’s messy and a little bit confusing. hopefully as i make a commitment to do this more than once a year, it will get more clear and concise.

jo is awake now, and i’m throwing sandwiches and allllll the snacks at her so that she might give me just a bit more time to wrap this up, but she won’t. my desire to be sitting at the computer writing is pouring into the air and she can feel it, she desires that this desire be on her. WHERE IS MY CLOAK?!?

ENTER: PBS kids app via the iPhone to wrap up this last thought…

something really important that i have read recently is that shame thrives on silence and being hidden. if what we feel shame about (not to be mistaken with guilt) remains within us, never to be acknowledged, it will keep us from feeling worthy of love and belonging. have you any idea what i’d have done to have someone recognize this in me a decade ago so that i might be further along on this journey by now? so i think my new goal for this blog, is to shine as much light on my shame as i do with our life adventures. i’ve always tried to share the good along with the bad so as to avoid being seen as another person on the internet who doesn’t feel genuine.

so let me ask you this before i scoot, because i can feel the interest in cookie monster dwindling FAST, and you don’t have to answer publicly, or even anonymously, just answer it to yourself: what makes you feel shame?

if it helps, brene brown’s definition of shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy or love and belonging.

 

times up, and i’m still sweating, and jo just took off her diaper. LISTEN TO THAT DAMN PODCAST Y’ALL!

peace + love to you all,

B