i’m five days overdue with josephine, and i’ve managed to eat all of the rice krispie treats i made for the nursing staff + midwives at the hospital.

…that was 4 days ago when i wrote that.

i’m now nine days overdue with josephine, and well on my way to eating all of the brownies that i made for the nursing staff + midwives to make up for the rice krispies treats that i devoured.

lots of tears have been shed over the last three days. i’m in pain. i’m exhausted. i’m frustrated. i’m anxious. i feel like there’s some lesson to be learned here, but i can’t for the life of me figure out what exactly it is. i don’t believe it’s patience because i believe i’m learning that in so many other aspects of my life. so what other reason could there possibly be for God wanting these last days of my pregnancy to be filled with such anguish?

there’s only one logical reason i can think of for why she hasn’t been born yet, and that’s because she’s not ready to leave the place where the chocolate milk has been flowing like the rio grande. she’s somehow keenly aware that her foreseeable future is filled with breastmilk, and let’s be honest…we might call that liquid gold, but it’s going to pale in comparison to what she’s been getting in there. …this must be what happens when you slowly become stir crazy amidst a shitstorm of cabin fever, and  you start disconnecting yourself from the world. right? it’s one thing to not want to put on pants on and lead a quiet pantsless little life, and quite another to be too exhausted and too pregnant to exert the energy necessary to put said pants on. and then you begin making up tales about your baby being addicted to the flow of chocolate milk? i’m losing it. i’m done. i’ve reached my limit. even my pregnancy glow has become nothing but a distant memory that fades a little more with each passing day.

yeah, can you feel that? that’s what marty just described as my pit of despair.

this is what that looks like currently,

it’s dark here. real dark.
and i’m not talking about the current state of our bedroom because i just rearranged the furniture and the light has shifted pretty epically and i’m really excited about how cozy the whole thing just got. what i am talking about is that i’m just not going to pretend for one second that i am not swirling around in the definition of SUCK. and why can’t everyone just level with me for one damn second and just say “this freaking sucks.” why do we always have to offer up those canned responses that have never made anyone feel better? there’s something to be said for just simply acknowledging someones misery. there doesn’t need to be a rhyme or reason for that misery either, and we don’t need to tell anyone it’ll be worth the suffering. all we simply need to do is acknowledge the  person’s reality. most everyone knows that any reward we are awaiting is worth any pain + suffering, so can’t we all agree to just level with our fellow people from now on. kapeesh?

i hate this.
i hate my negativity.
i hate that at any moment the real deal labor could start and i could be in the throws of this depressive and annoying state of mind. i hate that i am not the girl who can’t seem to find the light to carry me through the next few days. i hate that i woke up this morning and wanted to call the midwives and just say “whatever you have to do to make it so that i don’t wake up pregnant tomorrow, let’s do it.” i hate that i had to delete facebook because i was feeling weirdly violated and guilty and pestered. where is the baby you ask? she’s right here, keeping me awake at night with her feet in my ribs. i wish had been blessed with more will and strength. i wish i didn’t feel frustrated when people talk to me about how anxious they are to meet her and hold her. i bet i know two people who are more anxious to meet her than you. and damn it, i don’t want to be mad about that because that’s ridiculous. i truly love how excited everyone is about her arrival. it solidifies in my heart that she is destined for greatness. …i really hate how tempted i feel to abandon my birth plan because i just don’t feel like i can go on another day like this. but there is something i love in that! look at me being all positive for a second! i love that marty won’t stop reminding me of the really important reasons behind each part of that plan. he’s going to be incredible when it’s time for labor, and he gave me a glimpse into that today as i looked him straight in the eyes and sob cried to him about how defeated i felt, and he never for even a second wavered. which is exactly what i’m going to need from him when shit really hits the fan in labor and i’m begging for all of the drugs to make the pain stop. he reminded me of why i wanted to do things the way we planned. he leveled with me, and let me just say how miserable i was and acknowledged that misery to it’s fullest.

…maybe that’s what this is about. maybe this is the lesson. i don’t think i really ever doubted that he’d be my everything in labor, but maybe i just needed to see what that looked like. maybe i needed to reach a devastatingly low point and see how he reacted to it. maybe i needed to see that come hell or highwater we were in this together and that he absolutely 100% have my back. shit!! that must be it because i can feel relief rushing through my veins and comfort overriding the anxiety as i type really fast and really hard through this revelation… ya know, sometimes it drives me crazy that everyone thinks that marty is this perfect husband who has to put up with ME, because he truly is flawed in many beautifully aggravating ways, but i am damn lucky to have him and to be in this wonderfully weird marriage we have. he is the perfect counterpart to my madness, and i truly believe that we were created for each other. i’m also pretty certain that no matter what comes of the next few days, this part of our destiny was already written in the stars and it will all unfold just as it always should have. it’s time to sack up, give myself some grace, and find my way back to solid ground in my mind.

…i have since devoured a really delicious BBQ chicken sandwich with doritos stuffed in it, and have been listening to my best friend stress about her wedding planning to do list which is reminding me that…well…it could be worse! hahaha! i’ll take the last leg of pregnancy over wedding planning any damn day! smooooooooooooch, B!

rumor on the street is that we are under the powers of a full moon tonight. i’ve done everything under the sun that they have ever told a pregnant woman to do to induce labor. seriously, ALL. OF. IT. so i am not buying into the whole idea that i will spontaneously go into labor tonight, but i’m also not going to sit here and pretend like i am not wishing + hoping that maybe, just maybe, we’ve got a moon baby growing in here…