mother’s day morning,
i decide that the only way to spend this day is to self torture, because that’s what i do when i’m working through something tough in my heart. i make it much harder + more painful than it actually needs to be.
…a few days earlier, i bought a package of pregnancy tests, hoping that my dream of motherhood would finally be realized. today, i don’t remember taking the first test, i just know that it was negative and i know that the ache + frustration in my heart was becoming more and more unbearable. i only remember staring at myself in the mirror as i cried with every fiber of my being. my whole body was crying. why was this so hard? why wasn’t God giving me a baby? why did the universe believe i wasn’t ready for this? what was wrong with me? what was the message i was missing?

so mother’s day morning right? marty scooched off to work his sunday shift at the brewery and i decided that i wasn’t getting out of bed except to pee on the second stick in the box so that i could further torturing myself in the worst ways as all of those mother’s day posts on social media would begin consuming my soul.
…i drag myself to the bathroom, and bring the test back to bed with me, along with a roll of toilet paper because i’m ready for the full on ugly cry that’s building.

and right there, in the beautiful sunday light, in our cozy bed, with a heart ready to shatter…

i look down, and i remember feeling paralyzed. the only thing that could move was my racing heart. i just sat there and stared.
…because this doesn’t happen to people like me! this can’t be happening! this is one of those perfect stories of finding out on mother’s day that you’re pregnant after so many failed attempts and a miscarriage.
PERFECT STORIES DON’T HAPPEN TO ME.
i remember gripping the test to my chest and my feet kicking like a child. and then i flew out of bed, threw on the most mismatched and insane outfit and drove to the brewery to tell marty that our baby was on the way! i arrived and had no smooth plan whatsoever as i just slid the pregnancy test to his hands… it was officially real life. BABY HOOTS IS ON THE WAY!

fast forward to being 19 weeks pregnant,

[i’ll spare the details of  8 weeks of awful morning sickness]

Josephine Victoria Hueter, you are the most beautiful thing we’ve ever set our eyes on.

we invited our moms to this appointment, and i am so glad that we did. it was as incredible to watch them experience this as it was for us to experience it ourselves. to hear my mom’s sniffles + to watch my mother in law’s smile was enough to make my heart feel things i didn’t know i could possibly feel. i knew seeing her for the first time was going to be the coolest thing we ever did, but i didn’t even consider the idea of being able to watch her flip around and bring her hands to her face. it was the best day ever. i felt filled to the brim with love and magic and everything that made the world right and good. and to sit up and crawl into marty’s arms after hearing the news of us having a daughter on the way was everything. he was put on this earth to love a houseful of girls. it just makes so much sense in my heart that marty experience a love he’s never known for a little baby girl. his gentle soul was made for this. there’s no other man on earth who is more capable to look after a house filled with females than him… the kind of person she will become because she was raised by him will be mind blowing. she’ll learn all of the things that i cannot teach her…
like how to survive in the wilderness, how to go with the flow, how to be relaxed, how to sharpen knives, how to enjoy the outdoors, how to live in a world with bugs, how to start a fire, how to love ones flaws, and how to find the good in everyone. she will be the girl that everyone loves because she will learn to be lovable + kind + generous like her daddy.

and then there is me. what will my role be? when i think about what i will bring to her life, this photo automatically comes to my forefront. in fact, i think this image is just a permanent fixture in my life now, and i’m certain it always will be…

i think the role i’ll play  in her life is going to be right here, in her spine.
ensuring that it’s always fiercely strong, but with just the right amount of bend when needed. i want to be the one to guide her spirit + emotions + God given path. i want to teach her about life’s curve balls + broken hearts. i want to be her example that even the most terrible things can absolutely lead to greatness. i want her to know that being scared is okay, but that being brave is so much cooler.  i want to teach her that easy has never had a better reward than hard work. i want to teach her that she can change her mind about EVERYTHING, and that it’s okay to cry. i want the way marty + i love each other to teach her about what she deserves in a partner.  i want her to know and trust that my love for her has no conditions. i want to teach her to think at least one step (but hopefully TWO!) beyond every decision she makes so she can make good ones. i want her to know that sometimes i’ll probably be really hard on her, but it’s ALWAYS out of love. i want her to remember that i was 17 once too. YOU AREN’T FOOLING ME!  i want to promise to her that i remember this too, and to always take life experience into consideration when i feel really scared about saying yes. i want to teach her to give all music a chance, because music has the ability to say everything she might not be able to say someday. i want to teach her to make memories, and as many of them as she can, all the time. take photos of everything you want to remember, even if it seems silly. i want to teach her the art of YOLO. i want to teach her that she can do whatever she wants, and that hard work has no limits! and lastly, i want her to remember that as i am typing this, she is in my belly… with a case of the hiccups, and the greatest feeling i’ve ever known in my short thirty years on this earth, is making her and growing her.

i am going to screw a lot of stuff up.
like, so. much. stuff.
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but you know what?  i actually just want to bask in the feelings writing this has brought into my soul rather than delving into my most current fear of motherhood i’m dealing with. i’ll save that for one of the days that comes along where i’m seeking out further torment, and leave you with my two favorite photographs right now.